In the past someone

drilled a whole

right in the middle of my heart

Shadows entwined in the labyrinthine lies

What is lost is lost 

forever doomed to be forgotten in the dark

And when I think of you

I see a black heart 

buried in my chest, encompassed by bones

I long for the day 

that death comes

to rip me from this dying sun

He stalks so quietly, down the halls and 

past my room

Taunting my pleas 

as I beg for Him

Drowning my soul in love

And when I think of you

I see a black heart 

buried in my chest

encompassed by bones

glitter-graphics.com

slow eyes gaze at me,

yellow and thick with crust

pupils dilated, mouth raw

skin is black like rust.

lesions, rashes, cancers, blood

spilling from his mouth and the chart

tells me he's not wrong.

been there before.

blood pressure is too high, oxygen is too low,

can't breathe, can't see, can't remember

the last four digits of his 

social security number.

the jeans on his thin, wiry legs hang loose, 

covered with dirt and oil, gasoline.

cigarette smoke hangs off his shirt like

a dementor,

telling me he's interested in the pills

but not interested in living.

My hormones or going crazy, or I am entering Crazy Lady Mode.

I struggle with a lot of insecurities, and I talk about them never. I'm not the super beautiful girl in the room, I'm not the super talented person, I'm not the smartest person, and I'm not the hottest person.

I'm not much of anything, and I often find myself trying to cope with the reality that I never accomplished any of those "beings."

The greatest accomplishments I've had are getting a job, going to school, and getting married to my bestest friend. 

I find myself wondering if my husband will leave me when he finds someone more talkative, attractive, and/or smart. I know I can't bring these things up to him anymore because I know 

they are illogical. There is no reason at all for me to be so entangled in fear. 

Fearing that the one person you love will leave you isn't something that I'm new to. My mother was so afraid of this, it made her dangerous. Sometimes after work, I look at my hands on the steering wheel as I drive home. I find myself thinking of her, and wondering if this is a slow transition that she struggled through...dealing with growing up and not being who you imagined. Or that she was just ass shit crazy and one squirrel money away from stabbing us all to death in our sleep..... O.o

I know that when I get home, the house won't be perfectly clean, I might be too tired to cook, and I'm going to jump in the shower and change into my ugly house clothes. My wet, frizzy hair will be up in a bun, and my pallid face will be bare. 

He'll sit at his computer and talk to his friends until we sleep, pausing here and there to love on me. We'll eat, and watch Hercules or Star Trek. And then I will reddit until 11:00, wishing I had friends that weren't dumb. 

And I'll spend most of that quiet time indulging in gut-wrenching fantasies of being told to leave, and replaced by a young, hot hipster that can pull The Big Bang Theories out of her cunt faster than I typed this sentence. Sans the backspace.

I love my sweet monster that decided to stay with me after all, but sometimes I feel so dumb. He's always making witty references, telling me he all ready knows what I'm talking about, correcting me, making it all my fault when the house isn't clean...and I just feel like that "ain't nobody got time for that" meme. That is my face. Always.